The Top 5 Things That Are Pissing Me Off Today

5. Amy Winehouse
Why do you keep answering your doorbell? The paps are just camped on your doorstep like a bunch of snickering teenaged boys daring each other to ring the bell. Then they hide behind the bushes when she answers it covered in the previous night's headbutting, crack snorting bliss and pretends to be surprised when the cameras go off. What's that Amy, you lost your crack pipe? Well, if you turn to page 3 of the Star you will see it's in the rat's nest you call your hair. No, not there, next to the mcdonald's fries that are caught in there. I give her 6 months to be dead. Tick tick. Amy Winehouse makes Britney look like the Pope.

4. Mondays
If you're reading this and it's a Monday then you know what I know. 'Nuff said.

3. Classmates.com
I hate this website. They make you pay to talk to your old high school/college friends when places like Facebook and myspace do it for free. I contacted an old friend a couple weeks ago on classmates and now to actually see her response, they want money. Even more annoying are the emails I keep getting from them where they waive the golden ticket in front of me promising a trip to the chocolate factory only for me to find out the gates are locked. "Your guestbook is filling up, Kimberly!" You know what else is filling up classmates.com?, my fist up your ass. If these people were important enough to me I would have followed their advice in my yearbook and "K.I.T.ed." And I also would have had a "great summer" and "stayed sweet." To my 2 "guests" who signed my guestbook, I'm sorry but you're going to have to find another way to contact me that doesn't require me to subscribe to a demonic, baby punching website such as classmates.com.

2. Miley Cirus
Until about a month ago I didn't know who this kid was. Now, it seems that every time I reach for a piece of toilet tissue her picture is staring down at me to make sure I wipe with a smile on my face. Exaggeration? Maybe. But it's going to happen, you'll see. This kid is everywhere. Hollywood is basically injecting her into our tear ducts like dirty heroin that only Amy Winehouse knows how to find on the black market. Wait, her dad was quasi famous in the late 80s? Who gives a shit? I hated the Achey Brakey heart when I was 8 and I hate it more for giving Billy Ray enough money to spawn a famous child. But she gives kids positive moral values you say? Not so fast. It didn't take but 2 weeks after her claiming she was a good girl on Barbara Walters to start flashing her lacy green bra on the internet. I'm sorry but Punky Brewster had some major boobage by the time she was 12 and I never caught a glimpse of her showing them off while reading my Highlights magazine. Yesterday while I was in the grocery store, there was a little girl wearing a tank top, probably about 10 years old and she was, in public, pulling it off an on, off and on right in front of her father who didn't say anything except for her to bag the food faster. I'm sorry but if I ever had a daughter, I am stapling her clothes on every morning. And no Hanna Montana. Ever.


1. The Democratic Ballot A.K.A. The Tweetle Beetle Battle
What the fuck is going on? Can't there just be a box on the ballot that says "Not McCain" and then Hillary and Obama can go on American Gladiator and fight it out like true citizens? At this point I don't care who ends up on the Democratic ballot as long I can stop seeing pictures of Hillary everywhere "why is she smiling," "now she's sad," "now she's smiling again!" I don't care how Hillary is feeling! Maybe she just ate a new york hot dog on Tuesday and that's why she's not feeling so well on Wednesday. This reminds me of the Tweetle Beetle Battle from Fox in Sox. It's getting out of hand. ...they call this a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.

How to manufacture a Nazi Doll

So I was in Target with my boyfriend in the action figure section (we always hit this aisle first) and discovered a precious gem....a 12" Nazi soldier doll....ya know, for the kids! The doll was released to promote the new Indiana Jones movie. I would have snatched up as many as I could in hopes that my children some day could reenact WWII except for one thing, I'm a jew. Now, I do eat bagels but I also like me some bacon so no worries, I can forgive Hasbro. However, they have cleverly disguised the Nazi soldier as a "German Officer." Man, you almost got me there, boys but we Jews can't be fooled so easily. Tisk tisk.

Here's a picture:

How to be a sad panda

I just visited pandacam at the national zoo and this is what the panda is currently doing.



Did I mention it's hot out?

How not to reproduce

How to confuse your target audience

So I love ads that make no sense whatsoever. Case in point, here's a lovely example I just encountered online. Do you know your credit score? Well, I don't but this seems to only be targeted toward gummi bears. Are you a gummi bear with bad credit? No big deal! See, the gummi bear with excellent credit has the same smile on his face as the gummi bear with the bad credit. So why advertise? Obviously these bears could care less if they're up to their gummi asses in debt.

How to make the best yahoo answers post ever

So first read the question. What? Then see wally's answer (he's Jason). This is when I laughed so hard I was tearing, bright red, and my boss walked by my office.



Brad's comment after reading this "Laughed so hard I almost relaxed myself."

How to live in Maryland: Part 3

Wally used the blog last week to check the weather. So it's only fair I update for this week's forecast. Watch out! Today we're being attacked by a cloud with three legs!

How to "own" A.L.I.C.E.

How not to apply to grad school

I always mess these things up ><

"Dear sir, you accidentally selected the MBA program instead of the Communications program. I have fixed this problem for you, please let me know if there's anything else I can assist you with"

How to find hell on earth.

It's on ebay!

How to write a retarded letter.

So I found this awesome site that takes what you write and makes it "unintelligent." Check it out, here is my normal letter to Wally:

Dear Wally,
How are you? Man, today was a busy day. Fortunately I get to leave a little early because my groceries are being delivered. Anyway, how was your day? I wish I was asleep right now instead of staring at this stupid computer. Catch you later!


And here is it once I hit the "moron" button:

dear wally,
hao am yall? mann, 2dae wuz an busy dai. fortunately i get too leave littel earl baceause miy groceries is beeun delivered. newae, hao been ur dae? i wish i wuz asleep rite nao instade o' staring @ tihs stupid cmoputr. kach joo latr!


The link is: unintelligencer.com

How to live in Maryland: Part 2

I did an experiment and looked up the weather at the same time I did yesterday. The forecast has changed dramatically! Which means anything is possible. Yesterday's prediction of today is dead on but Saturday....what the heck happened to Saturday's forecast! I'm scared. Hold me.

How to live in Maryland

This is the most boring weather forecast EVER. Is it winter? Is it spring? I know, it's Sprinter!

How to design video game cases

Apparently there is a formula to designing a video game case.
Step 1: Put lead male testosterone character on front with mouth open.
Step 2: Put title of game on bottom.
Step 3: ??????
Step 4: Profit.

See example.


I screencapped this from gamestop.com, it appears as is. No photoshopping!

How to advertise to no one

How not to take care of your 40 thousand dollar convertable

How to answer an emo question

How to declare war on Kittenwars.com

So I stumbled upon kittenwars.com where you can vote for the cutest kitten by clicking on its picture. When you enter your kitten in the contest you're supposed to include the cat's name. This was a difficult task for some cats owners out there. See below. I decided to vent my frustration by writing a letter to the site owners.



Dear Kittenwars.com,

When I get bored I come on here and rage into battle. However, sometimes (all too frequently) I see people who have titled their picture rather than putting the names of the cats in the submittal form. This is very disturbing and ruins the battle because now I am sidetracked from concentrating on cuteness and focusing on "Two Brothers in a Basket." I can't imagine that to be the name of the cats, "here Twobrothersinabasket, come here" doesn't roll off the tongue. I think if a kitten has a stupid owner they should be disqualified until they learn how to interpret the "cat's name" field in the submittal form. Also, there are way too many cats on here! Have you read your own FAQ? So no more cats please. If I wanted to see cats I would go home and stare at my 2 grown feline 12 pounders. Not as much fun. Also, I saw a fat woman in one of the photos that was so huge it took me like 5 minutes to find the small kitten hiding in the folds of her huge arm. Please steer away from adding cattle to the site in the future. Thank you.

How to break OUT of Hollywood

How to wish Kim Happy Birthday

How to Google "Yahoo"

How to chat with a bot

Wally and I got bored and decided to chat with A.L.I.C.E. Here is what happened.

Kim's conversation:



Wally's conversation:

How Bush cannot compromise with God no matter how hard he tries

Also, just so everyone knows, that's Bush, and not potato head



More Bush Comics

How to recommend a good book

Wally: My friend recommended this book to me. It is the most depressing book ever, really makes you loose faith in humanity. Then in the last three pages, it turned into the most heartwarming story of the century sheesh, what a stressful ride that was

Heremeow: what was the book, "Green Eggs and Ham?"

How to keep the world updated

Wednesday, February 20th

It's 1:25 PM, wednesday, February 20th, 2008, and as it currently stands, Kim and Wally have not dated, dispite weird rumors from weird people. Please stay tuned as I will update this in about 5 minutes, as a new wave of alligations and rumors start.

How to Greet Everyone

Dear everyone from around the world,
According to stumbleupon we here at The Cylcops now have visitors from Italy, Spain, France, Barbados, Hong Kong, King Kong, England and so forth. So welcome! I would greet you in your native languages but I am just an obnoxious American who probably speaks too loud for your country's liking and failed every foreign language course I took. If you are reading this and you are from another country, you are way smarter than me. So perhaps you can help Wally with his current situation. Please comment to his current situation of "Will this get me fired?"

Wally: hey tell me if this will get me fired
Kim: ok
Wally: my office mate came into the office and stopped walking, and said "You suck" and then i was like "Why?" and she says "Do I need a reason?" and I paused and then I said "Has it really been a month already?"

Please post your answers on the blog!

How to Spell YMCA

How to Hex Kim's Internet

CorbeledG (11:52:02 AM): hey the internet went down in asia africa and the middle east...a cable that goes under the sea broke
Heremeow signed off at 11:56:11 AM.
Heremeow is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

How to Scare the Crap Out of Wally J

Wally: want to hear something weird about the human body? AND tmi at the same time?
Wally: I strained too hard to poo, and now my hearing keeps going in and out in waves
Heremeow: like completely out?
Wally: no...liiike it gets muffled as if cotton balls are stuck in it
Heremeow: how long ago did it start?
Wally: I went to the bathroom, strained, came to my desk, and it happened at my desk
Heremeow: well here is my guess
Heremeow: you stained too hard which caused an aneurism which is in the brain, which is connected to your hearing
man, I'm a horrible doctor, that makes so many leaps
Wally: ack! well it makes sense
Heremeow: yea if you know nothing about anything, it makes perfect sense
Wally: I mean..maybe it's along those same lines, but just a big surge of blood and pressure and stuff
Heremeow: but I know people can die on the toilet pushing too hard
Wally: what! what! omg. I need to rethink my life.
Heremeow: an aneurism can occur. You'll know if you find someone dead in the bathroom and their eyes are bloodshot
Wally: dude

5 MINUTES LATER

Wally: get this crap (no pun intended) My computer errored and put a big white box at the corner of my screen..and I thought my vision was messing up. and for about .25th of a second, I really thought I was stroking out

Heremeow: hahahaha oh man

How to stay intelligent, dispite a zombie invasion

"Death to zombies" in Latin is: Mors vivis cadaveribus

How to express my love for Amy Winehouse

Heremeow: I bet amy winehouse smells like a public restroom
Heremeow: cuz that's where she sleeps
Wally: lol!
Wally: maaaan
Wally: yuck
Heremeow: like she has tp stuck to her
Heremeow: and needles

How to bring in the new year with laughter

How to vent frustration

Just letting everyone know....

http://www.dearbulkmailer.com/

How to draw Johnny Depp ten years later

So ten years ago I painted edward scissorhands and I figured hey, I have 10 minutes to kill I will draw johnny depp again. However, I haven't drawn in quite some time so this is what it ended up looking like. The first one is the rough sketch and the second one is the magic of photoshop doing all my shading for me because I'm too lazy to sharpen my pencil. Man I still draw like an eighteen year old. oh well.

How to make an awesome fat joke

Heremeow: now i'm watching Biggest Loser where they are showing fat people who got skinny and are now hot
Heremeow: some of these people lost like 90 pounds
CorbeledG: Hmmmm I can't think up a good joke, so I'll just say I hate rachael

How to discover the meaning of your screenname

MY NAME IS CORBELEDG WHICH MEANS I HAVE AN UNHEALTHY FASINATION WITH BRICKS. SO WHAT?????

How To Be Ambitious by...bah, fuck it

So Britney's lil' sister is in trouble...pregnant trouble. She was knocked up before she had a hit single which has really pissed off her mother because now she may have to pay for this child. Instead, she is taking the blame out on the boy who impregnated her less-talented daughter and claiming he raped her since he is 18 and no-talent Spears is 16. I say be nice to the boy because chances are, he will be getting custody of the child. So me and Wally were talking about the Spears family and this is what happened.

Heremeow: man can you believe the mother has actually written parenting books hahaha
Wally: LOL I know! lmao
Heremeow: that's like me writing a book about car maintence
Heremeow: or Driving Tips by Kim
Wally: Staying Off Craft by Wally
Wally: hey this is pretty fun
Heremeow: Growing Bamboo by Wally
Heremeow: Getting A Good Night's Sleep by Kim
Heremeow: Sex for Dummies by.... oh noes
Wally: OMG
Wally: LOL

Wally: I hope I have some time today...because if I do I'm totally doing an awesome photoshop
Heremeow: yes!!!!! book covers!
Heremeow: man you should work for the daily show's graphic design department
Wally: hahahahahahha that would be awesome you writing and me drawing stuff
Heremeow: man i wish we were ambitious
Heremeow: instead of like being the type of people who are only amitious enough to try stuff we know we're going to fail at so that we really don't have to do it
Wally: How To Be Ambitious by...bah, fuck it

How to make Kim laugh so hard she almost gets fired

CAUTION: SPOILER ALERT

Okay so Sweeney Todd kills his wife without realizing it. Then, omg, she's dying in his arms and he's like "fawk I just killed my wife." This is a shot from the movie (with english subtitles)

How to get Owned by Your PC

My name is Wally, and I make grammer errors. But look at this error I got on my computer (I included some of the background so people could tell that yes, this error really happened on my computer)

How to Structure a Burtonesque London Bridge

Heeeeeere's Johnny! No, really. He's here, or he will be on Wednesday, December 5. By "Johnny," of course, we mean the man better known to fans of Pirates of the Caribbean and 21 Jump Street as Johnny Depp; and by "here" we mean right here in Moviefone's studios, answering your questions with director Tim Burton as part of our Unscripted interview series.

Depp is starring in one of the most anticipated films of the season, and that's Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, the Stephen Sondheim musical that's finally getting the lavish on-screen treatment it's due. At the helm is frequent Depp collaborator Tim Burton; and if you've ever been lucky enough to catch the musical, you'll know that Burton is perfect to direct the dark and twisted tale of Sweeney Todd (Depp), "the demon barber of Fleet Street," who, with the help of his landlady (Helena Bonham Carter), kills people and bakes them into scrumptious meat pies. It's sort of like Waitress except with killing, crazier hair ... and singing!

There's been a ton of Oscar talk around the movie, Depp, Burton and Bonham Carter, and now's your chance to interrogate both Depp and Burton for yourself. Hit Captain Jack and, uh, Mr. Burton with whatever you're dying to know, then check back the week of December 17 to see if your question made it on the air.

To submit a question, you can leave it here in the comments, or you can text one to AskCelebs@aol.com (brought to you by Verizon Wireless). Please provide your first name and your city and state, and if you're looking for inspiration, then take a look at some of our past Unscripted interviews here. Good luck!


The following is an article at Cinematical

How to draw a stupid protractor

This stupid graphic for a client just took me 3 hours. Arg. I thought I would blog it so everyone could feel my pain. Go ahead, click on it and rub your face against the screen to experience the glory.



Hey I just saw our freelancer had already drawn this image.

How to make the best myspace post ever

Below is a copy/paste of a bulletin wally posted on myspace this week.

Post: Everyone else announces new pictures
I posted about 7 refridgerator pieces on my myspace pictures. If you like them, then comment, if you don't, then eat my ass. Either way, I don't care. Unless this is Mom, in which case: Happy mothers day!

How to expose society's dark underbelly

Okay so a every once in a while you'll be walking around the city, and you'll see a used condom on the ground, or the tip of a joint, or some other piece of evidence that the city's sinful underbelly is peaking out at us. Well look what I found on the ground the other day: fish shapped AQUA DOTS. Right in front of Old Country Buffet. What is our society coming to?

How to get kids to listen to you

Just buy them aqua beads! Aqua Beads are small, fun little beads that can easily be placed under the tongue for safe-keeping when not in play. Create animals, flowers, and just about anything your kids can come up with. But act fast, due to an annoying rumor that aqua beads contain gamma hydroxybutyrate (i.e. the date rape drug), they have been pulled from shelves. No matter, we here at The Cyclops have fixed the packaging to display a fair warning about what may happen if swallowed.



"Awwwwww now I'll never get aqua beads!" -Wally J.

And... coming soon from Brad...
WEEDIES: The cereal that gives you the munchies, then cures them!

Yu Gi Blow: A scratch and sniff card game that will keep you up all night!

How a picture is worth any number of words

This is Wally's illustration for my song I just wrote:

Ohhhhhh I can't find these images and I want to go home
do da do da
NCCER said to use the image library but there are 6,000 images in there and I can't find one of a poorly grounded system
do da do da

How to incriminate poor poor WallyJ

Officer: So have you ever been stopped for a DUI before? So this is your first time?
Wally: Yeah thi...waait, you almost got me there. No I've never been stopped for a DUI before
Officer: (laughs) Alright, so you've been doing this a lot but this is your first time getting caught.
Wally: Stop that!

How to put Cuba to good use

Wally: hey why in the world does the US have a prison in cuba?
Wally: like
Wally: that doesn't make any sort of sense
Heremeow: hmmmm
Heremeow: well
Heremeow: it's like some things you have to store in your shed, ya know?

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Heremeow: Shed is to House as Cuba is to USA
Wally: OH WOW guess what
Wally: I just got it
Wally: lmao
Wally: oh man

How to not take out the White Trash

So there was a girl at Dan's Halloween party who was fittingly dressed as "white trash." All night she kept wailing "Superman in DA HOUUUUUUUUSE" (this was for like 7 hours). Then the damn superman song was played like 45 times along with an ass grinding dance party that I am trying my best to black out. Here are Brad's thoughts on White Trash Girl:

"Can you get Emily to give me the white trash girls number. I just want to learn the Superman dance.

-Brad

PS. please don't actually get me her number. "

_______
Ok correction: White Trash was actually saying "Superman, Dat Ho!" which Wally just explained to me the meaning of which was explained to him by the White Trash girl. I won't repeat here because this blog is popular in the local elementary school.

How to work for Absolut

Some of the lines are kinda sloppy because I hear Kim's internet is going down and I want her to see it first!

How to Launch Adobe Balls on Schedule

Right on time! The anticipated release of Adobe Balls. Here is how you will get the most out of your package:
• Works dynamically with your hard drive to create a flow that will stream your work to higher levels
• Adjust your workspace just right
• Draw balls and then use GoLive to golive with your balls!
• Milk the most out of your product with quick brush strokes
• Convert vector to raster with a simple scratch
• Package comes in shades of white, tan, beige, brown, and dark brown (dark brown add $49.99 for extra shipping cost)
• Maneuver effortlessly with orally activated commands

Order your copy of Adobe Balls today and remember "Quit staring at my package!"

(Nice job on this image, Wally)

How to visit the Hills

Wally: hey what's The Hills about?
Kim: it just follows this one girl from laguna beach around after she left laguna beach
Kim: if you want a quick death, watch it
Kim: you would seriously put your hand in the toaster and push the switch if you saw it

How to go from Full House to Jesus in 30 seconds or less

Heremeow: ug I'm getting sick
Heremeow: that stupid scratchy throat thing is all scratch scratch
Heremeow: and I'm all "stop it!"
Wally: boooo dj throat
Heremeow: dj?
Wally: yeah...it's scratching like a record
Heremeow: for a second I thought you were talking about the girl from full house
Wally: how rude
Heremeow: no the other one
Heremeow: the one who didn't do crystal meth
Heremeow: man that was a good episo... wait that was real life
Wally: hahaha...oh man, that woulda been awesome if that were an episode
Wally: "Stephanie, life can't be fixed with crystal meth"
Wally: "Aw dad, I thought I'd try it. but I see you're right"
Heremeow: "But Uncle Joey is clearly on crack!"
Heremeow: "And Uncle Jessie has Gonorea" Have Mercy
Wally: does he really?
Heremeow: nah
Heremeow: he's on ER now
Wally: I thought he disappeared
Heremeow: nope, he's on ER!
Wally: like...when actors stop acting, they sorta...leave
Wally: much like dying
Wally: only no funeral
Wally: they blink out of existance...like if kate moss turned sideways
Heremeow: hahah kate moss
Heremeow: she bleeds cocaine
Heremeow: but then you get celebs that won't go away
Heremeow: like Rosie
Wally: or Bush
Heremeow: or Jesus

How to find out if the French Playbook has been delivered yet.

Currently, this is my work inbox. Shoot me.

How to carve a non-messy pumpkin

Wally sent me this link where you can carve your own pumpkin. Here is what we came up with.
http://www.cubpack81.com/images/carve_pumpkin.swf

How to create the doppler effect....

Wally just mentioned that he would like to kick Rachel into a pit 300 style....THIS IS WALTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!

How to get even

Daniel has asked me to post this image below. Is this a star wars joke? That's the movie with the elves, right? And some stars...

How to create a new Adobe ad campaign

Wally: what in the world is adobe air?
Heremeow: that is the air you breath in texas...
Wally: oh!
Heremeow: hah man they are really running out of creative names
Heremeow: releasing this Fall Adobe Balls 2008TM
Heremeow: it's a program that draws balls
Heremeow: and then you can use GoLive to GoLive with your Balls
Wally: LOL
Heremeow: Adobe Balls 2008TM works dynamically with your hard drive to create a flow that will stream your work to higher levels
Wally: OMG
Heremeow: hahahah

How to morph into Danvelreen

In responce to Dan saying "Wally should use a better picture of me", I found the best picture of Dan on his myspace. Danvlerine! (that's pronounced Dan-vul-reen)

How to dress to impress

How to sign cold

Kim: how would you type the sound of teeth chattering?
Wally: "chissling" "ice scraping" "like a climbing hammer going scraping on rock"
Kim: no like
Kim: would it be
Kim: :::::::::::: or CCCCCCC
Kim: or something
Wally: ohhhhh I'd just say *brrrrRrRrrRrrRrrrrr* hoping the sound is enough to conjur an image
Kim: oh!
Kim: ok then I have something to say
Kim: brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Wally: LOL

How to create a resume

Wally: I'm on this mission to create a resume and it's a headache
Kim: why is it a headache
Wally: thinking up nifty designs, then fiting everything in
Wally: but I think I have it
Wally: I just dropped a big glob of honey pecan sauce on the floor booo
Kim: what are you doing with honey pecan sauce and a resume?

How to make a better point.

UPDATE: Here is another picture I found on my phone of the dude yelling at my building

There is currently someone outside of my building, screaming at the top of his lungs about "The Constitution of Sex." He is screaming AT my building. Not around my building but AT my building. He's standing on two news papers, and has two bags on either side of him. Here is a picture

Special Edition Movie Review: Vacancy

Tonight I watched Vacancy staring Luke Wilson (the Wilson who didn't try to kill himself) and Kate Beckinsale (of Underworld).

The movie opened with kick ass credits and scary music. I thought "yay this is good so far." But then the director's name showed up onscreen as Nimród Antal. Nimrod? Really? First warning.

About 4 minutes into the film one of the characters says "We never should have left the interstate." Second warning.
The couple ends up having little choice but to stay at a run down, roach infested, brown water running, hotel where they soon discover they are staring in a snuff film directed by the hotel's manager. 40 minutes in again Luke Wilson's character reminds us "he never should have left the interstate. Third Warning.

20 minutes later Luke reminds us again, his wife was right, he never should have left the interstate. Fourth warning.

Luke is stabbed and left on the door step of the hotel room to die until morning when Kate's character has to find a way out of the hotel. She does. She kills everyone. And lucky her, Luke's still alive! End credits.

They never did find the interstate. Dammit! But, I guess they did warn me that would happen.

What is the lesson learned from this movie? If you find yourself in a situation where you are staring in a snuff film with Luke Wilson and you are Kate Beckinsale, please have sex with Luke Wilson.