The Top 5 Things That Are Pissing Me Off Today

5. Amy Winehouse
Why do you keep answering your doorbell? The paps are just camped on your doorstep like a bunch of snickering teenaged boys daring each other to ring the bell. Then they hide behind the bushes when she answers it covered in the previous night's headbutting, crack snorting bliss and pretends to be surprised when the cameras go off. What's that Amy, you lost your crack pipe? Well, if you turn to page 3 of the Star you will see it's in the rat's nest you call your hair. No, not there, next to the mcdonald's fries that are caught in there. I give her 6 months to be dead. Tick tick. Amy Winehouse makes Britney look like the Pope.

4. Mondays
If you're reading this and it's a Monday then you know what I know. 'Nuff said.

3. Classmates.com
I hate this website. They make you pay to talk to your old high school/college friends when places like Facebook and myspace do it for free. I contacted an old friend a couple weeks ago on classmates and now to actually see her response, they want money. Even more annoying are the emails I keep getting from them where they waive the golden ticket in front of me promising a trip to the chocolate factory only for me to find out the gates are locked. "Your guestbook is filling up, Kimberly!" You know what else is filling up classmates.com?, my fist up your ass. If these people were important enough to me I would have followed their advice in my yearbook and "K.I.T.ed." And I also would have had a "great summer" and "stayed sweet." To my 2 "guests" who signed my guestbook, I'm sorry but you're going to have to find another way to contact me that doesn't require me to subscribe to a demonic, baby punching website such as classmates.com.

2. Miley Cirus
Until about a month ago I didn't know who this kid was. Now, it seems that every time I reach for a piece of toilet tissue her picture is staring down at me to make sure I wipe with a smile on my face. Exaggeration? Maybe. But it's going to happen, you'll see. This kid is everywhere. Hollywood is basically injecting her into our tear ducts like dirty heroin that only Amy Winehouse knows how to find on the black market. Wait, her dad was quasi famous in the late 80s? Who gives a shit? I hated the Achey Brakey heart when I was 8 and I hate it more for giving Billy Ray enough money to spawn a famous child. But she gives kids positive moral values you say? Not so fast. It didn't take but 2 weeks after her claiming she was a good girl on Barbara Walters to start flashing her lacy green bra on the internet. I'm sorry but Punky Brewster had some major boobage by the time she was 12 and I never caught a glimpse of her showing them off while reading my Highlights magazine. Yesterday while I was in the grocery store, there was a little girl wearing a tank top, probably about 10 years old and she was, in public, pulling it off an on, off and on right in front of her father who didn't say anything except for her to bag the food faster. I'm sorry but if I ever had a daughter, I am stapling her clothes on every morning. And no Hanna Montana. Ever.


1. The Democratic Ballot A.K.A. The Tweetle Beetle Battle
What the fuck is going on? Can't there just be a box on the ballot that says "Not McCain" and then Hillary and Obama can go on American Gladiator and fight it out like true citizens? At this point I don't care who ends up on the Democratic ballot as long I can stop seeing pictures of Hillary everywhere "why is she smiling," "now she's sad," "now she's smiling again!" I don't care how Hillary is feeling! Maybe she just ate a new york hot dog on Tuesday and that's why she's not feeling so well on Wednesday. This reminds me of the Tweetle Beetle Battle from Fox in Sox. It's getting out of hand. ...they call this a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.

How to manufacture a Nazi Doll

So I was in Target with my boyfriend in the action figure section (we always hit this aisle first) and discovered a precious gem....a 12" Nazi soldier doll....ya know, for the kids! The doll was released to promote the new Indiana Jones movie. I would have snatched up as many as I could in hopes that my children some day could reenact WWII except for one thing, I'm a jew. Now, I do eat bagels but I also like me some bacon so no worries, I can forgive Hasbro. However, they have cleverly disguised the Nazi soldier as a "German Officer." Man, you almost got me there, boys but we Jews can't be fooled so easily. Tisk tisk.

Here's a picture:

How to be a sad panda

I just visited pandacam at the national zoo and this is what the panda is currently doing.



Did I mention it's hot out?

How not to reproduce

How to confuse your target audience

So I love ads that make no sense whatsoever. Case in point, here's a lovely example I just encountered online. Do you know your credit score? Well, I don't but this seems to only be targeted toward gummi bears. Are you a gummi bear with bad credit? No big deal! See, the gummi bear with excellent credit has the same smile on his face as the gummi bear with the bad credit. So why advertise? Obviously these bears could care less if they're up to their gummi asses in debt.

How to make the best yahoo answers post ever

So first read the question. What? Then see wally's answer (he's Jason). This is when I laughed so hard I was tearing, bright red, and my boss walked by my office.



Brad's comment after reading this "Laughed so hard I almost relaxed myself."

How to live in Maryland: Part 3

Wally used the blog last week to check the weather. So it's only fair I update for this week's forecast. Watch out! Today we're being attacked by a cloud with three legs!

How to "own" A.L.I.C.E.

How not to apply to grad school

I always mess these things up ><

"Dear sir, you accidentally selected the MBA program instead of the Communications program. I have fixed this problem for you, please let me know if there's anything else I can assist you with"

How to find hell on earth.

It's on ebay!

How to write a retarded letter.

So I found this awesome site that takes what you write and makes it "unintelligent." Check it out, here is my normal letter to Wally:

Dear Wally,
How are you? Man, today was a busy day. Fortunately I get to leave a little early because my groceries are being delivered. Anyway, how was your day? I wish I was asleep right now instead of staring at this stupid computer. Catch you later!


And here is it once I hit the "moron" button:

dear wally,
hao am yall? mann, 2dae wuz an busy dai. fortunately i get too leave littel earl baceause miy groceries is beeun delivered. newae, hao been ur dae? i wish i wuz asleep rite nao instade o' staring @ tihs stupid cmoputr. kach joo latr!


The link is: unintelligencer.com

How to live in Maryland: Part 2

I did an experiment and looked up the weather at the same time I did yesterday. The forecast has changed dramatically! Which means anything is possible. Yesterday's prediction of today is dead on but Saturday....what the heck happened to Saturday's forecast! I'm scared. Hold me.

How to live in Maryland

This is the most boring weather forecast EVER. Is it winter? Is it spring? I know, it's Sprinter!

How to design video game cases

Apparently there is a formula to designing a video game case.
Step 1: Put lead male testosterone character on front with mouth open.
Step 2: Put title of game on bottom.
Step 3: ??????
Step 4: Profit.

See example.


I screencapped this from gamestop.com, it appears as is. No photoshopping!

How to advertise to no one

How not to take care of your 40 thousand dollar convertable

How to answer an emo question

How to declare war on Kittenwars.com

So I stumbled upon kittenwars.com where you can vote for the cutest kitten by clicking on its picture. When you enter your kitten in the contest you're supposed to include the cat's name. This was a difficult task for some cats owners out there. See below. I decided to vent my frustration by writing a letter to the site owners.



Dear Kittenwars.com,

When I get bored I come on here and rage into battle. However, sometimes (all too frequently) I see people who have titled their picture rather than putting the names of the cats in the submittal form. This is very disturbing and ruins the battle because now I am sidetracked from concentrating on cuteness and focusing on "Two Brothers in a Basket." I can't imagine that to be the name of the cats, "here Twobrothersinabasket, come here" doesn't roll off the tongue. I think if a kitten has a stupid owner they should be disqualified until they learn how to interpret the "cat's name" field in the submittal form. Also, there are way too many cats on here! Have you read your own FAQ? So no more cats please. If I wanted to see cats I would go home and stare at my 2 grown feline 12 pounders. Not as much fun. Also, I saw a fat woman in one of the photos that was so huge it took me like 5 minutes to find the small kitten hiding in the folds of her huge arm. Please steer away from adding cattle to the site in the future. Thank you.

How to break OUT of Hollywood

How to wish Kim Happy Birthday

How to Google "Yahoo"

How to chat with a bot

Wally and I got bored and decided to chat with A.L.I.C.E. Here is what happened.

Kim's conversation:



Wally's conversation:

How Bush cannot compromise with God no matter how hard he tries

Also, just so everyone knows, that's Bush, and not potato head



More Bush Comics

How to recommend a good book

Wally: My friend recommended this book to me. It is the most depressing book ever, really makes you loose faith in humanity. Then in the last three pages, it turned into the most heartwarming story of the century sheesh, what a stressful ride that was

Heremeow: what was the book, "Green Eggs and Ham?"

How to keep the world updated

Wednesday, February 20th

It's 1:25 PM, wednesday, February 20th, 2008, and as it currently stands, Kim and Wally have not dated, dispite weird rumors from weird people. Please stay tuned as I will update this in about 5 minutes, as a new wave of alligations and rumors start.

How to Greet Everyone

Dear everyone from around the world,
According to stumbleupon we here at The Cylcops now have visitors from Italy, Spain, France, Barbados, Hong Kong, King Kong, England and so forth. So welcome! I would greet you in your native languages but I am just an obnoxious American who probably speaks too loud for your country's liking and failed every foreign language course I took. If you are reading this and you are from another country, you are way smarter than me. So perhaps you can help Wally with his current situation. Please comment to his current situation of "Will this get me fired?"

Wally: hey tell me if this will get me fired
Kim: ok
Wally: my office mate came into the office and stopped walking, and said "You suck" and then i was like "Why?" and she says "Do I need a reason?" and I paused and then I said "Has it really been a month already?"

Please post your answers on the blog!

How to Spell YMCA

How to Hex Kim's Internet

CorbeledG (11:52:02 AM): hey the internet went down in asia africa and the middle east...a cable that goes under the sea broke
Heremeow signed off at 11:56:11 AM.
Heremeow is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

How to Scare the Crap Out of Wally J

Wally: want to hear something weird about the human body? AND tmi at the same time?
Wally: I strained too hard to poo, and now my hearing keeps going in and out in waves
Heremeow: like completely out?
Wally: no...liiike it gets muffled as if cotton balls are stuck in it
Heremeow: how long ago did it start?
Wally: I went to the bathroom, strained, came to my desk, and it happened at my desk
Heremeow: well here is my guess
Heremeow: you stained too hard which caused an aneurism which is in the brain, which is connected to your hearing
man, I'm a horrible doctor, that makes so many leaps
Wally: ack! well it makes sense
Heremeow: yea if you know nothing about anything, it makes perfect sense
Wally: I mean..maybe it's along those same lines, but just a big surge of blood and pressure and stuff
Heremeow: but I know people can die on the toilet pushing too hard
Wally: what! what! omg. I need to rethink my life.
Heremeow: an aneurism can occur. You'll know if you find someone dead in the bathroom and their eyes are bloodshot
Wally: dude

5 MINUTES LATER

Wally: get this crap (no pun intended) My computer errored and put a big white box at the corner of my screen..and I thought my vision was messing up. and for about .25th of a second, I really thought I was stroking out

Heremeow: hahahaha oh man

How to stay intelligent, dispite a zombie invasion

"Death to zombies" in Latin is: Mors vivis cadaveribus

How to express my love for Amy Winehouse

Heremeow: I bet amy winehouse smells like a public restroom
Heremeow: cuz that's where she sleeps
Wally: lol!
Wally: maaaan
Wally: yuck
Heremeow: like she has tp stuck to her
Heremeow: and needles

How to bring in the new year with laughter