How to work for Absolut

Some of the lines are kinda sloppy because I hear Kim's internet is going down and I want her to see it first!

How to Launch Adobe Balls on Schedule

Right on time! The anticipated release of Adobe Balls. Here is how you will get the most out of your package:
• Works dynamically with your hard drive to create a flow that will stream your work to higher levels
• Adjust your workspace just right
• Draw balls and then use GoLive to golive with your balls!
• Milk the most out of your product with quick brush strokes
• Convert vector to raster with a simple scratch
• Package comes in shades of white, tan, beige, brown, and dark brown (dark brown add $49.99 for extra shipping cost)
• Maneuver effortlessly with orally activated commands

Order your copy of Adobe Balls today and remember "Quit staring at my package!"

(Nice job on this image, Wally)

How to visit the Hills

Wally: hey what's The Hills about?
Kim: it just follows this one girl from laguna beach around after she left laguna beach
Kim: if you want a quick death, watch it
Kim: you would seriously put your hand in the toaster and push the switch if you saw it

How to go from Full House to Jesus in 30 seconds or less

Heremeow: ug I'm getting sick
Heremeow: that stupid scratchy throat thing is all scratch scratch
Heremeow: and I'm all "stop it!"
Wally: boooo dj throat
Heremeow: dj?
Wally: yeah...it's scratching like a record
Heremeow: for a second I thought you were talking about the girl from full house
Wally: how rude
Heremeow: no the other one
Heremeow: the one who didn't do crystal meth
Heremeow: man that was a good episo... wait that was real life
Wally: hahaha...oh man, that woulda been awesome if that were an episode
Wally: "Stephanie, life can't be fixed with crystal meth"
Wally: "Aw dad, I thought I'd try it. but I see you're right"
Heremeow: "But Uncle Joey is clearly on crack!"
Heremeow: "And Uncle Jessie has Gonorea" Have Mercy
Wally: does he really?
Heremeow: nah
Heremeow: he's on ER now
Wally: I thought he disappeared
Heremeow: nope, he's on ER!
Wally: like...when actors stop acting, they sorta...leave
Wally: much like dying
Wally: only no funeral
Wally: they blink out of existance...like if kate moss turned sideways
Heremeow: hahah kate moss
Heremeow: she bleeds cocaine
Heremeow: but then you get celebs that won't go away
Heremeow: like Rosie
Wally: or Bush
Heremeow: or Jesus

How to find out if the French Playbook has been delivered yet.

Currently, this is my work inbox. Shoot me.

How to carve a non-messy pumpkin

Wally sent me this link where you can carve your own pumpkin. Here is what we came up with.
http://www.cubpack81.com/images/carve_pumpkin.swf

How to create the doppler effect....

Wally just mentioned that he would like to kick Rachel into a pit 300 style....THIS IS WALTEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!

How to get even

Daniel has asked me to post this image below. Is this a star wars joke? That's the movie with the elves, right? And some stars...

How to create a new Adobe ad campaign

Wally: what in the world is adobe air?
Heremeow: that is the air you breath in texas...
Wally: oh!
Heremeow: hah man they are really running out of creative names
Heremeow: releasing this Fall Adobe Balls 2008TM
Heremeow: it's a program that draws balls
Heremeow: and then you can use GoLive to GoLive with your Balls
Wally: LOL
Heremeow: Adobe Balls 2008TM works dynamically with your hard drive to create a flow that will stream your work to higher levels
Wally: OMG
Heremeow: hahahah

How to morph into Danvelreen

In responce to Dan saying "Wally should use a better picture of me", I found the best picture of Dan on his myspace. Danvlerine! (that's pronounced Dan-vul-reen)

How to dress to impress

How to sign cold

Kim: how would you type the sound of teeth chattering?
Wally: "chissling" "ice scraping" "like a climbing hammer going scraping on rock"
Kim: no like
Kim: would it be
Kim: :::::::::::: or CCCCCCC
Kim: or something
Wally: ohhhhh I'd just say *brrrrRrRrrRrrRrrrrr* hoping the sound is enough to conjur an image
Kim: oh!
Kim: ok then I have something to say
Kim: brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Wally: LOL

How to create a resume

Wally: I'm on this mission to create a resume and it's a headache
Kim: why is it a headache
Wally: thinking up nifty designs, then fiting everything in
Wally: but I think I have it
Wally: I just dropped a big glob of honey pecan sauce on the floor booo
Kim: what are you doing with honey pecan sauce and a resume?

How to make a better point.

UPDATE: Here is another picture I found on my phone of the dude yelling at my building

There is currently someone outside of my building, screaming at the top of his lungs about "The Constitution of Sex." He is screaming AT my building. Not around my building but AT my building. He's standing on two news papers, and has two bags on either side of him. Here is a picture

Special Edition Movie Review: Vacancy

Tonight I watched Vacancy staring Luke Wilson (the Wilson who didn't try to kill himself) and Kate Beckinsale (of Underworld).

The movie opened with kick ass credits and scary music. I thought "yay this is good so far." But then the director's name showed up onscreen as Nimród Antal. Nimrod? Really? First warning.

About 4 minutes into the film one of the characters says "We never should have left the interstate." Second warning.
The couple ends up having little choice but to stay at a run down, roach infested, brown water running, hotel where they soon discover they are staring in a snuff film directed by the hotel's manager. 40 minutes in again Luke Wilson's character reminds us "he never should have left the interstate. Third Warning.

20 minutes later Luke reminds us again, his wife was right, he never should have left the interstate. Fourth warning.

Luke is stabbed and left on the door step of the hotel room to die until morning when Kate's character has to find a way out of the hotel. She does. She kills everyone. And lucky her, Luke's still alive! End credits.

They never did find the interstate. Dammit! But, I guess they did warn me that would happen.

What is the lesson learned from this movie? If you find yourself in a situation where you are staring in a snuff film with Luke Wilson and you are Kate Beckinsale, please have sex with Luke Wilson.

How to find your Goth Name

I thought this was interesting. If you go www.deadname.com you can find out your Goth name. My name was Bloody Angel. Yep, that's about right. Anyway, while in physical therapy yesterday I was watching a newscast about the school shooting in Cleveland yesterday. There was a bulleted list describing the shooter. The first bullet point was "Goth." So the list looked something like this:

• Goth
• Slapped mother
• Attempted suicide
• Bad student

There were a couple others but like ALL the other bullet points made sense. The fact that he was classified as a "goth" is what bothered me because I went to school with like 95% Goth kids but they were the nicest most talented people you could meet. So it pissed me off that on the news they were classifying a goth kid in the same category as someone who would hit his mother and open fire at a school. It could be any kid but now they are all "look out for those scary kids in black." In any case, his mother probably deserved it.

Peace out,

Bloody Angel

P.S. I was NOT goth in high school; I was the weird one.

How to get Kim excited about a movie

I am a dork but I made myself this awesome desktop wallpaper because I can't wait to see this movie. Also, there are kids currently screaming in my hallway and I wish Sweeney Todd would take care of them for me.

How to make your head explode.

Kim: ok
Kim: I am about to blow your mind
Kim: I have an edit that says "no such time as 12:00 pm"
Kim: BOOM
Wally: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Wally: is the earth gonna collapse at noon tomorrow?
Kim: : I don't know!

How to celebrate your birthday

So I just went to pick up lunch with Dan who turned 33 yesterday. He took a personal day yesterday to celebrate his birthday and was complaining on being tired. I said "hey, you didn't have to work the past two days!" Here is the rest of the conversation.

Dan: Man, I'm so tired. I watched the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy yesterday back-to-back. It wasn't over until 2-3 in the morning.
Kim: That is really sad. Do you do that every year on your birthday?
Dan: No, this year was special do you know why?
Kim: No. Why.
Dan: Frodo turned 33.
Kim: What do you mean?
Dan: You don't remember, Bilbo and Frodo were celebrating their birthdays in the movie.
Kim: Ok, I am putting this on my blog.

Later...

Dan: Man, I am so tired.
Kim: It doesn't help that yesterday you went to Middleearth and back.
Dan: And through Lothlorien.
Kim: And that Elf place...where the Elves live....um Elfingberg?
Dan: What! Rivendell! They live in Rivendell!
Kim: Oh I thought it was Elfingland or something.
Dan: You're dead to me.

How to select your words more carefully

Matt linked me to this image. Thanks, Matt!

How to make a point.

Wally: If I were a superhero, my superpower would be to cure hangovers
Kim: mine would be to decrease stupidity
Wally: I wanna live till the end of the age of pieces
Wally: picese?
Wally: the fish
Kim: see my above comment.

How to drunk IM (the new way of drunk dialing)

CorbeledG: okay I'm going to go down my buddy list asking everyone if they want to have sex with me
CorbeledG: (that's how I lost my viriginity)
CorbeledG: brb
CorbeledG: wanna have sex?
CorbeledG: oopse
CorbeledG: didn't mean to copypaste that to you

How to make Kim laugh at 2:53 on a Friday

Wally: Dear Day: please end.
Wally: Are you there Day? It's me, Wally.

How to panhandle for metro fair

How to imitate Paris Hilton

Kim: want to hear something horrible
Wally: ya ya
Kim: ok ok
Wally: genital warts
Wally: that's horrible
Kim: hahaha
Wally: okay let's hear yours
Kim: I was watching SVU last night
Wally: ya?
Kim: and this character studied spiders
Kim: and she said "You are always no more than 6 ft from a spider"
Wally: what!
Kim: and of course I'm terrified of spiders
Kim: man, if she had said "snakes" I would have killed myself
Kim: "you are always no more than 6 ft from a snake"
Wally: DUDE
Wally: that would be awful
Kim: I know!
Kim: I would know how Paris Hilton feels
Wally: hahahaha
Wally: AHHAAHAH I just got it!

How to correctly shave your balls (The Mills Response)

Mills has just read the former post on the allusive ball shaving. Apparently it is a new pop culture fad. I can't wait for this to come up in the next Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture edition. This brings the list of current trends to:

1) The ipod touch
2) That Saturn I saw yesterday in the parking lot at Giant
3) Shaving your balls
4) Blogging
5) Britany Bashing

In any case, here are Mills' thoughts on the matter...

mills: (2:37:31 PM) it is supposed to be sort of a self learning thing your not supposed to need instructions
Red is Blue: hahaha
Red is Blue: dad never sits you down and explains it I guess
mills says: it is a relatively new fashion as things go for the popular culture

How to properly cut grass

Wally: I've so wanted to get a mo-ped, and put a lawn mower engine in it
hahah
Me: then you can cut grass while you look lame
Wally: LOL!
Wally: omg
Me: just like a virgin
Wally: wow
Wally: wooow
Me: OH NO SHE DIDN'T
Wally: did you just go there, or did I mistran....yup, you went there
Wally: hahahaha
Me: hahaha

(while talking about the new mountain bike trend in the office...)
Kim: I think I am going to start talking about lawn mowers
Wally: yes lawn mowers
Wally: I've so wanted to get a moped, and put a lawn mower engine in it
Kim: then you can cut grass while you look lame

How to propose to a girl.

I should preface this by pointing out that Wally likes to buy girls ebay diamonds.

Wally: Hey, I want to live to see the age of aquarious in 2150
Wally: if we're not married by then, want to get married?
Me: hahahaha in 2150? I promise.
Wally: hahaha
Wally: sweet
Me: but I want a real diamond
Wally: LOL
Wally: hahahahaha
Me: none of that one night stand diamond bull shit

How to find Wally's Alias

Something you're hiding from us Mr. Jones?

How to describe my feelings for Dane Cook

Wally: do you like dane cook?

Me: I used to find him attractive until he got famous and really really full of himself.
Me: now I want to staple his eyes closed
Me: so he can only see his inner self

How to resurface repressed memories

How to respond to fan mail

So a while back me and Wally were goofing around at work and I remembered that show Zoobalie Zoo. We then googled the show and found a page where you can send letters to the "Zoobles." Wally's letter read something like (correct me if I'm wrong, Wally):

Dear Zoobalie Zoo,
I was wondering if you could tell me where I could purchase the episode when Talkatoo Cockatoo got her period for the first time titled "Are you there God, it's me, Talkatoo."

I relayed this story to Evan and this is what was produced:

How to correctly shave your balls

Kim (1:53:48 PM): so mills says you have to use a clipper and that he's been shaving his balls since before it was cool
Kim (1:54:07 PM): and now I want to go throw up
Wally (1:54:19 PM): LOL
Wally (1:54:30 PM): you only use a clipper if like, you've never done it before
Wally (1:54:34 PM): wait
Wally (1:54:36 PM): I mean that's gross
Kim (1:54:34 PM): HAHAHAHAHAH
Kim (1:54:40 PM): HAHAHAHAHA

How to accomplish TMI

Heremeow (10:47:24 AM): don't worry I won't post the ball shaving


But I will! I SHAVED MY BAAAWLS
-Wally

How to stop spying on wally

Wally (10:03:07 AM): rachael took her damn eagle painting
Kim (10:02:34 AM): that was a gift!
Kim (10:02:49 AM): that is so mean
Kim (10:02:54 AM): wow
Kim (10:03:11 AM): I guess she couldn't afford the surveillance bill any more

How to speak German

CorbeledG: Oh man, aparently britney spears tried to inquire about having kfed killed hahaha.. they were talking about it on elliot in the morning..elliot heard a rumor and then talked about it, and then an fbi agent called in.. Elliot said "I'd like an fbi agent to verify this or deny it. Please call in, we won't out you"
CorbeledG: so then someone called in...he was super vague, but was talking about how there's a whole division set up just to investigate hollywood threats
Heremeow: so did they verify or deny
CorbeledG: then elliot got side tracked and wanted to know if he bashed his head, if he'd start talking french perfectly
Heremeow: idiot
CorbeledG: haha
Heremeow: everyone knows you'd speak german

How to not answer when your child asks if he can put butter in his hair.

My nephew asked my sister if he could put butter in his hair. My brother-in-law sarcastically said "sure, why not," and this is what happened.