How to drunk IM (the new way of drunk dialing)

CorbeledG: okay I'm going to go down my buddy list asking everyone if they want to have sex with me
CorbeledG: (that's how I lost my viriginity)
CorbeledG: brb
CorbeledG: wanna have sex?
CorbeledG: oopse
CorbeledG: didn't mean to copypaste that to you

How to make Kim laugh at 2:53 on a Friday

Wally: Dear Day: please end.
Wally: Are you there Day? It's me, Wally.

How to panhandle for metro fair

How to imitate Paris Hilton

Kim: want to hear something horrible
Wally: ya ya
Kim: ok ok
Wally: genital warts
Wally: that's horrible
Kim: hahaha
Wally: okay let's hear yours
Kim: I was watching SVU last night
Wally: ya?
Kim: and this character studied spiders
Kim: and she said "You are always no more than 6 ft from a spider"
Wally: what!
Kim: and of course I'm terrified of spiders
Kim: man, if she had said "snakes" I would have killed myself
Kim: "you are always no more than 6 ft from a snake"
Wally: DUDE
Wally: that would be awful
Kim: I know!
Kim: I would know how Paris Hilton feels
Wally: hahahaha
Wally: AHHAAHAH I just got it!

How to correctly shave your balls (The Mills Response)

Mills has just read the former post on the allusive ball shaving. Apparently it is a new pop culture fad. I can't wait for this to come up in the next Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture edition. This brings the list of current trends to:

1) The ipod touch
2) That Saturn I saw yesterday in the parking lot at Giant
3) Shaving your balls
4) Blogging
5) Britany Bashing

In any case, here are Mills' thoughts on the matter...

mills: (2:37:31 PM) it is supposed to be sort of a self learning thing your not supposed to need instructions
Red is Blue: hahaha
Red is Blue: dad never sits you down and explains it I guess
mills says: it is a relatively new fashion as things go for the popular culture

How to properly cut grass

Wally: I've so wanted to get a mo-ped, and put a lawn mower engine in it
hahah
Me: then you can cut grass while you look lame
Wally: LOL!
Wally: omg
Me: just like a virgin
Wally: wow
Wally: wooow
Me: OH NO SHE DIDN'T
Wally: did you just go there, or did I mistran....yup, you went there
Wally: hahahaha
Me: hahaha

(while talking about the new mountain bike trend in the office...)
Kim: I think I am going to start talking about lawn mowers
Wally: yes lawn mowers
Wally: I've so wanted to get a moped, and put a lawn mower engine in it
Kim: then you can cut grass while you look lame

How to propose to a girl.

I should preface this by pointing out that Wally likes to buy girls ebay diamonds.

Wally: Hey, I want to live to see the age of aquarious in 2150
Wally: if we're not married by then, want to get married?
Me: hahahaha in 2150? I promise.
Wally: hahaha
Wally: sweet
Me: but I want a real diamond
Wally: LOL
Wally: hahahahaha
Me: none of that one night stand diamond bull shit

How to find Wally's Alias

Something you're hiding from us Mr. Jones?

How to describe my feelings for Dane Cook

Wally: do you like dane cook?

Me: I used to find him attractive until he got famous and really really full of himself.
Me: now I want to staple his eyes closed
Me: so he can only see his inner self

How to resurface repressed memories

How to respond to fan mail

So a while back me and Wally were goofing around at work and I remembered that show Zoobalie Zoo. We then googled the show and found a page where you can send letters to the "Zoobles." Wally's letter read something like (correct me if I'm wrong, Wally):

Dear Zoobalie Zoo,
I was wondering if you could tell me where I could purchase the episode when Talkatoo Cockatoo got her period for the first time titled "Are you there God, it's me, Talkatoo."

I relayed this story to Evan and this is what was produced:

How to correctly shave your balls

Kim (1:53:48 PM): so mills says you have to use a clipper and that he's been shaving his balls since before it was cool
Kim (1:54:07 PM): and now I want to go throw up
Wally (1:54:19 PM): LOL
Wally (1:54:30 PM): you only use a clipper if like, you've never done it before
Wally (1:54:34 PM): wait
Wally (1:54:36 PM): I mean that's gross
Kim (1:54:34 PM): HAHAHAHAHAH
Kim (1:54:40 PM): HAHAHAHAHA

How to accomplish TMI

Heremeow (10:47:24 AM): don't worry I won't post the ball shaving


But I will! I SHAVED MY BAAAWLS
-Wally

How to stop spying on wally

Wally (10:03:07 AM): rachael took her damn eagle painting
Kim (10:02:34 AM): that was a gift!
Kim (10:02:49 AM): that is so mean
Kim (10:02:54 AM): wow
Kim (10:03:11 AM): I guess she couldn't afford the surveillance bill any more

How to speak German

CorbeledG: Oh man, aparently britney spears tried to inquire about having kfed killed hahaha.. they were talking about it on elliot in the morning..elliot heard a rumor and then talked about it, and then an fbi agent called in.. Elliot said "I'd like an fbi agent to verify this or deny it. Please call in, we won't out you"
CorbeledG: so then someone called in...he was super vague, but was talking about how there's a whole division set up just to investigate hollywood threats
Heremeow: so did they verify or deny
CorbeledG: then elliot got side tracked and wanted to know if he bashed his head, if he'd start talking french perfectly
Heremeow: idiot
CorbeledG: haha
Heremeow: everyone knows you'd speak german

How to not answer when your child asks if he can put butter in his hair.

My nephew asked my sister if he could put butter in his hair. My brother-in-law sarcastically said "sure, why not," and this is what happened.