The Top 5 Things That Are Pissing Me Off Today

5. Amy Winehouse
Why do you keep answering your doorbell? The paps are just camped on your doorstep like a bunch of snickering teenaged boys daring each other to ring the bell. Then they hide behind the bushes when she answers it covered in the previous night's headbutting, crack snorting bliss and pretends to be surprised when the cameras go off. What's that Amy, you lost your crack pipe? Well, if you turn to page 3 of the Star you will see it's in the rat's nest you call your hair. No, not there, next to the mcdonald's fries that are caught in there. I give her 6 months to be dead. Tick tick. Amy Winehouse makes Britney look like the Pope.

4. Mondays
If you're reading this and it's a Monday then you know what I know. 'Nuff said.

3. Classmates.com
I hate this website. They make you pay to talk to your old high school/college friends when places like Facebook and myspace do it for free. I contacted an old friend a couple weeks ago on classmates and now to actually see her response, they want money. Even more annoying are the emails I keep getting from them where they waive the golden ticket in front of me promising a trip to the chocolate factory only for me to find out the gates are locked. "Your guestbook is filling up, Kimberly!" You know what else is filling up classmates.com?, my fist up your ass. If these people were important enough to me I would have followed their advice in my yearbook and "K.I.T.ed." And I also would have had a "great summer" and "stayed sweet." To my 2 "guests" who signed my guestbook, I'm sorry but you're going to have to find another way to contact me that doesn't require me to subscribe to a demonic, baby punching website such as classmates.com.

2. Miley Cirus
Until about a month ago I didn't know who this kid was. Now, it seems that every time I reach for a piece of toilet tissue her picture is staring down at me to make sure I wipe with a smile on my face. Exaggeration? Maybe. But it's going to happen, you'll see. This kid is everywhere. Hollywood is basically injecting her into our tear ducts like dirty heroin that only Amy Winehouse knows how to find on the black market. Wait, her dad was quasi famous in the late 80s? Who gives a shit? I hated the Achey Brakey heart when I was 8 and I hate it more for giving Billy Ray enough money to spawn a famous child. But she gives kids positive moral values you say? Not so fast. It didn't take but 2 weeks after her claiming she was a good girl on Barbara Walters to start flashing her lacy green bra on the internet. I'm sorry but Punky Brewster had some major boobage by the time she was 12 and I never caught a glimpse of her showing them off while reading my Highlights magazine. Yesterday while I was in the grocery store, there was a little girl wearing a tank top, probably about 10 years old and she was, in public, pulling it off an on, off and on right in front of her father who didn't say anything except for her to bag the food faster. I'm sorry but if I ever had a daughter, I am stapling her clothes on every morning. And no Hanna Montana. Ever.


1. The Democratic Ballot A.K.A. The Tweetle Beetle Battle
What the fuck is going on? Can't there just be a box on the ballot that says "Not McCain" and then Hillary and Obama can go on American Gladiator and fight it out like true citizens? At this point I don't care who ends up on the Democratic ballot as long I can stop seeing pictures of Hillary everywhere "why is she smiling," "now she's sad," "now she's smiling again!" I don't care how Hillary is feeling! Maybe she just ate a new york hot dog on Tuesday and that's why she's not feeling so well on Wednesday. This reminds me of the Tweetle Beetle Battle from Fox in Sox. It's getting out of hand. ...they call this a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.

How to manufacture a Nazi Doll

So I was in Target with my boyfriend in the action figure section (we always hit this aisle first) and discovered a precious gem....a 12" Nazi soldier doll....ya know, for the kids! The doll was released to promote the new Indiana Jones movie. I would have snatched up as many as I could in hopes that my children some day could reenact WWII except for one thing, I'm a jew. Now, I do eat bagels but I also like me some bacon so no worries, I can forgive Hasbro. However, they have cleverly disguised the Nazi soldier as a "German Officer." Man, you almost got me there, boys but we Jews can't be fooled so easily. Tisk tisk.

Here's a picture: